I Don't See Nothing Wrong with a Little PDA

Mark your calendar for June 20. It’s a Thursday. You’ll want to go out.

What’s the occasion? Well, it seems a whole holiday has been set aside for public displays of affection. June 20 is National PDA Day, and I know you’ll want to participate, even if you don’t really want to admit it.

No one wants to be the one to say that PDA is a good thing. That’s where I come in. I’m happy to step forward in favor of the PDA; it’s part of my bread and butter. Sure, keeping the private stuff super hot is important, but if I can’t make every touch count, even the public ones, I’ve got a problem.

The public display of affection is not only good, but it’s good for you. It’s necessary. Don’t worry. I’m not going to encourage you to get flagrant with a partner where all the world can see you. (I’m not going to stop you, either.) You don’t have to turn it all the way up to 11. If we call Level 1 a handshake and Level 2 is a nice hug, we’ll start at Level 3 by holding hands.

Hand holding. I think most of us stopped holding hands way too soon, for the same reason we stopped doing a lot of things: we were forced to endure the efforts of someone who wasn’t very good at it. Holding hands does not have to be a sweat-slick, hand-cramping marathon of awkwardness. With just a little effort, it can be wonderfully … effective. Start casually by bumping or brushing the back of your hand against your target’s hand. Follow up quickly, with intent, and twine your fingers together. And once you’re all set up, stroke your special friend’s thumb with yours. Keep things loose – that death grip is what makes the experience sweaty and gross. Ventilation matters!

Not-So-Casual Guidance. A good friend of mine, God love her, once had this complaint about dating. “What is this hand-on-the-back thing?” she asked. “I’m right behind the waitress! I know where we’re going!” I had to shake my head. The hand-on-the-back thing is like the hand-cupping-the-elbow thing and sort of like the hand-on-the-shoulder thing. It’s not about where you’re going. It’s about giving your date a reason to touch you. Personally, I prefer to wear something that leaves at least one of these target areas bare. Skin-to-skin contact builds oxytocin in both the toucher and the touchee (forgive my complex language there). Oxytocin’s the hormone that forms a nice emotional bond between the people touching each other. A little of that is a good thing, but for a deep bond, be prepared to get a little more touchy feely.

Getting to 11. I will never tell you that there is anything wrong with making out in public. My problem is with having to look at it. The public make-out session has much to recommend it – unusual setting, threat of discovery, pulse-pounding spontaneity – but public mores and, you know, the law are here to keep us from going all the way. Don’t fret. You can still manage a little workaround if you’re willing to try hard enough. Compromise a little by focusing more on those less obvious erogenous zones. Stroke that shadow zone beneath the shoulder blade. Trace that spinal column with your fingertips. Casually caress your sweetie’s knee – but only the knee. Keep up that repetitive, rhythmic motion, and you’ll be sure to start a fire! Better still, you can eliminate the public element by working with a backyard or a balcony or a parked car or maybe a fitting room. You’re still technically in public. The public just can’t see you as much. So far as I’m concerned, if I can’t see you, anything goes.

Can’t wait until the 20^th? I don’t blame you. You’ve got two weeks left before PDA Day! If you don’t have a partner, go find one! If you do have a partner, it’s time to practice! And in the meantime, why not have a look at my book, Illicit Impulse? It’s an exciting look at what can happen when oxytocin – and consequences – are removed from the delicate dance of skin-to-skin contact.

**Alexa Day brings a touch of sexy to your everyday world on the first Wednesday of every month. When she's not researching her monthly column, she's working on the follow-up to her first novel, ILLICIT IMPULSE, a Night Owl Reviews Top Pick which is now available wherever e-books are sold. In the meantime, you can catch up to her on Facebook, Twitter, or on her blog, although lately she only seems able to manage one of those three venues at a time.

Forget April Fool's Day; Try On Some April Fantasy!

I’m not big on April Fool’s Day. I want to believe that George Takei is in the next Star Wars movie. I would have gone for Google Nose. I’m not going for bacon-flavored mouthwash, but something that doesn’t make your life taste horrendous after you use it? Hey, that might be nice.

Not big on April Fool’s Day.

But I don’t mind a little fooling around, especially when it comes to fooling around. The occasional game of strip poker keeps things lively and delays gratification, both fine side effects. And then there are the old standbys, Truth or Dare and I Never. No matter how well two people know each other, those two games never fail to produce at least one surprise. One of my favorite exes taught me a question game, in which the players must ask each other one question, and only one question, per turn. Answering a question with a question, evasion, and follow-up questions are all fouls.

The spirit of April Fool’s demands more of us, I think. The holiday and the coming spring cry out for a full-blown game of make-believe. Remember playing make-believe?

Okay, put that from your mind. This game of make-believe is 100% grown up. You know what that means? You got it! Real costumes!

With just a touch of effort, you can become a real, live fantasy character. I’m going to start you off with three, but I’m sure you can turn up a few more. Let’s begin with something easy.

1.       **Law enforcement. I touched on this a few months ago for Halloween – all you need is the little handcuff-and-badge package from the toy section at Wal-Mart. Clip the badge to your belt loop on one side and hook the handcuffs to the other side. Check yourself out in the mirror. Are you undercover? Are you the good cop or the bad cop? Are you serving a warrant? Warrants are *fun.* Enjoy!

2.      **Your future in medicine. While you’re at the Wal-Mart, you can probably score some toy medical instruments for just a few bucks. I know you can get a full-size fake stethoscope from one of the party stores for just a few bucks. But think this over. I personally don’t think the doctor is all that hot, as far as fantasy figures go. Maybe it’s because I only see the doctor when I don’t feel all that sexy myself. Instead, I suggest investing in a nice set of scrubs. They don’t cost all that much, and they are the most comfortable garments ever made – like sweats for warm weather. You can get them at Wal-Mart, too. In scrubs, you can go from doctor to masseuse, and that takes you from tell-me-where-it-hurts to tell-me-how-to-make-you-feel-better. Get yourself a candle and some nice massage oil, and then you’re all ready to get therapeutic and such like.

3.       **How the West was wild! Few things are more powerful than the lure of the West. You can be part of that! All you need is a straw hat and a couple of bandanas. If it costs you more than ten bucks, I’d be surprised. Pair the hat and one bandana with your favorite jeans, and you’re ready for a bonfire or a little camping on the range – or a quick getaway after a good old-fashioned bank robbery. Why do you need a couple of bandanas? So you can tie someone up (gently, of course) and gag that person at the same time. Can’t have that person telling the sheriff, can we?

Okay, that should be enough to get you started. How you finish … well, that’s on you!

**Author of ILLICIT IMPULSE, Alexa Day brings a little sexy to your everyday world on the first Wednesday of the month, right here, Below the Fold. Can't wait a whole month? Catch up to her every Thursday on her blog, at Passionate Reads on the second Monday of the Month, on Facebook, or on Twitter. 

Open Letter to Boyfriends and Husbands Who Believe Valentine's Day Is Unnecessary

Gentlemen:

As I write this, about one week separates us from Valentine’s Day. I don’t think any other holiday inspires such a wide range of emotional responses. By now, I suspect most of us have made our plans for the holiday, to go out or stay in, to be alone or with friends or with that one special person.

But some of you have made it a point not to have plans. You say you don’t have to do anything because you love your significant others every day, 365 days a year. Valentine’s Day is just a greeting card holiday, you say.

Well, that’s an excuse. I’m sorry. I have to call you on that.

Maybe this is a greeting card holiday. But you know what? So is your birthday.

I bet your honey did something for your birthday. I don’t think she bragged about how it wasn’t necessary to do anything because you wake up breathing 365 days a year. She didn’t smugly assert that she acknowledges your continued existence every day and have no reason to treat your birthday any differently.

In fact, I bet people who are not as close to you, like your coworkers, did something for your birthday. I imagine a lot of people went to a little trouble to acknowledge your own personal greeting card holiday because you matter to them in some small way.

But you want to take your relationship with your sweetheart for granted. After all, you’re in the relationship now. She’s not going anywhere, right?

To get to this 365-day-a-year, don’t-have-to-celebrate relationship, your sweetheart’s been through a lot. She is probably never going to say this to you, but I think you have to hear it. At some point before you decided you didn’t have to acknowledge your relationship on the one special day set aside for it, your sweetheart did at least one, and probably more than one, of the following things.

1.       Considered quitting the whole dating process out of sheer frustration and exhaustion.

2.       Smiled when everything in her wanted to cry.

3.       Was told she should change some part of herself – maybe a part you love all year but refuse to celebrate today – so that she could be in a relationship.

4.       Wore something ridiculous, painful, or both.

5.       Blamed herself for someone else’s shoddy behavior.

6.       Let go of something she wanted very much.

7.       Had her boundaries violated.

8.       Stayed with someone worse than you because she doubted you were coming along.

9.       Chose to live with the certainty that she’d always be alone.

10.   Accepted something about you that really, really annoys her.

But then you came along. She chose you. She finds so much pleasure in every day with you that she may not even remember how many of those ten things she did. Being with you is a gamechanger.

And to acknowledge this, you want to do nothing.

Well, that’s not good enough.

I’m not saying you have to engage in any great spectacle. Use one of the greeting cards you sneer at and write a note. Read to each other. Sit at the bar – no reservations required – and share a dessert.

But do something.

This isn’t just another day. Your sweetheart’s not just some girl. And you should celebrate that because you love her 365 days a year.

Get to planning.

All the best,

Alexa

**Alexa Day wants to bring a little sexy into your everyday world. Her column appears here on the first Wednesday of the month. She blogs on her own website every Thursday, and her first novel, Illicit Impulse, is available March 1 from Ellora’s Cave.

Grateful for the Big Stuff ... and It's All Big Stuff

Years ago, I met a woman who told me what her little boy taught her about gratitude.

It was right around this time of year, just before Thanksgiving, when she asked her son what he was grateful for. Her little boy frowned thoughtfully and was silent for several seconds. She was sure he was about to come up with a heartwarming sentiment worthy of a greeting card, the sort of "right answer" parents expect to hear from small children.

Instead, he said, "Pizza."

It would have been very easy, the mother told me, to correct her son and go for the "appropriate" response. Home or family or health or something like that. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was also thankful for pizza.

And why not? It's tasty. It's widely available. Good for sharing, leftovers, and beer. It prevents cooking.

I'm grateful for pizza, too. Sure, I'm grateful for freedom and health and employment and all that, too. But that does not make gratitude for pizza wrong. I am actually grateful for pizza more often than I am for large-ticket items because I enjoy pizza in such a finite way. That first bite of the first slice. The cheese, the mushrooms, maybe an anchovy. The firm crust. And then, once it's over, those last few minutes with the beer, thinking of how wonderful the whole experience was.

Yeah. I'm glad we have pizza. But the world's full of those little things that make life special. In fact, I think gratitude makes everything – the little things and the big ones – equally significant. We don't have to look far to find something that inspires gratitude. We just have to look.

I may have mentioned several times that I was at Romanticon last month, surrounded by hot shirtless men. That by itself is something to be grateful for. The Cavemen tend to travel in small groups, a habit that occasionally results in a lucky woman (like myself) sharing an elevator with four or five of them.

I had been on the elevator first, so I found myself in the rear corner. The guys were unusually quiet. They're typically gregarious and chatty in a way that brings even a dyed-in-the-wool nerd like me out of her shell. But that day, they were all watching the numbers counting down as we descended.

At least I think that's what they were looking at. I was too busy staring at them with an impunity I could not have enjoyed if they were talking to me. I studied all those powerful shoulders and long fingers and nice, big hands. I struggled mentally to describe the way they held themselves. I wondered if they could tell I was staring at them.

And then it was over. The doors opened in the lobby, and they all headed off together, to wherever they were going. I had to stand there for a minute, in the way, trying to remember where I was going.

I decided that I was grateful for this job, with its exotic destinations and elevators full of hot shirtless men. Grateful just for elevators, and how small and slow they are. Grateful for that quiet spot in the rear corner. I would even have been grateful if, heaven forbid, that particular elevator had stopped working altogether.

That's right. If I had been trapped in an elevator full of hot shirtless men, I would have found the silver lining. I'm an optimist like that.

Now, as sexy as my day-to-day life is, I am sorry to say that it is not THAT sexy every day. Yet. Even so, I'm grateful for the little sensual delights each day has to offer. A perfectly cooked meal. A good book and the free time to enjoy reading it. A friendly wave from the FedEx man, who seems to have no idea that he's gorgeous. Pizza.

What are you grateful for?

**Alexa Day is grateful for any number of things this month, including her completion and submission of her first manuscript, Project NSA. She's not sure what she'll do once NaNoWriMo is over, but you can check her out here, Below the Fold, on the first Wednesday of the month, and on her own blog every Thursday.

September to Remember: Three Date Nights to Fall For

Autumn begins this month. Nights will slowly get longer, the leaves begin to change color, and before long, traditional fall festivals will start to crop up. Outdoor time is at its most comfortable in the fall – before long, it’ll be too cold to really enjoy yourself outside for more than a few minutes. I would say that we’re going to make hay while the sun shines … but my plans for the month will all be taking place after dark! Read on for three sexy September activities you can enjoy under cover of darkness.

1.       The fair. The local fair – state, county or what have you – is a fabulous place to go on a date. It’s got everything a typical date needs: food, entertainment, the chance to take a long walk with your honey, dessert, and a little excitement. There’s something very sexy about food you can eat (or feed each other) with your fingers. Stay for a concert as the sun goes down. You’d be surprised by some of the acts that play the fairgrounds! While you’re walking off that heavy meal, your sweetheart can win you a prize at one of the midway games. (Let me tell you a secret about men. If a man wins you a prize at one of those games, he will absolutely feel like a king. Somewhere in the instinctive part of their minds, the midway is like the knights’ tournament.) Later you can get buckled in to one of those rides – the bumper cars if you’re competitive, one of those high speed loop-the-loop things if you want to scream, the Ferris wheel if you’re up for a little private time. On the way back to the parking lot, stop for a funnel cake. Dates don’t get an awful lot better than that. Go after sundown if you’re looking for a more date-friendly atmosphere. Something about all those flashing lights just heightens the excitement.

2.       The high school football game. The season’s already started, but if I were you, I would wait a couple of weeks before I went to the game. Right now, everything is still kind of raw and new, and it’s still pretty light outside. If you wait just a little while, you can enjoy a nice hometown version of Friday Night Lights. Bring a blanket with you – you can sit on it if it’s warm and snuggle beneath it if it gets chilly. When you get to the game, be sure you are sitting on the correct side of the field. You want to be with the home team, don’t you? Then you want to pick a distant, lonely place in the bleachers. Don’t worry; you’ll still be able to see the game. Not that you came here to watch the game. While you and your sweetheart hang out and enjoy the game, you can talk about how high school was when you were students. I find this experience is even better if you hated high school – it’s very refreshing to go to a game when you’ve escaped the very insular world that is high school. Enjoy the game. Enjoy the weather. Then once it gets dark and everyone else is watching the game, you can enjoy each other’s company.

3.       The hayride. I encourage you to use care when choosing a hayride. The “haunted hayride” is basically your chance to be an extra in a slasher movie. Now, if that’s your thing, I don’t judge. That just doesn’t say ‘sexy’ to me. If you look hard, you can find a nice quiet hayride you can share with a few other couples. You can get to know them a little better with a sing-along and conversation, and you can get to know your sweetheart a little better under one of the blankets they keep in the wagon. Add some hot cider, a bonfire, maybe some s’mores, and before you know it, you and your honey are having a very romantic time.

You can make this a September to remember! What are you waiting for?

**Sure, it's getting cooler out. Alexa Day believes in keeping things nice and hot every day. Her monthly W3 post, Below the Fold, brings a little heat to your everyday. If you need heat more often than that, check her out every Thursday at her blog on www.alexaday.net.

The Sensual Art of Passing a Note

Some people say that school’s going to be starting soon. I say that if we are lucky, school is always in session. Now that we’re all grown up, we have the glorious opportunity to study those things that were forbidden to us as students. Like passing a note. It’s tons of fun, now that we don’t have to worry about getting into trouble. Indeed, getting into trouble might be part of the fun now, right?

By passing a note in English class, one of my characters starts a love affair that lasts most of his adult life – and he was just trying to ask her to write a paper for him! (Not to worry. She said no.) Imagine what you can do if you set out to write a little sexygram. A little bit of effort, a pinch of cunning, and a whisper of luck, and you are well on your way to a little afterschool special of your own.

Ready, class? Let’s begin.

1.       Get out a piece of paper. Yes, you have to use paper. I know it’s easier to send email and texts and all that fabulous electronic stuff. Pen (I know I don’t have to tell you to use a pen, right?) and paper are going to be harder to work with, but they are well worth the effort. Why? Because they’re sensual. Your reader will touch the surface once warmed by your hand. Make your reader think about the way you hold the pen. Make your reader imagine you taking out that piece of paper. Is it stationery? Did you rip it off something? Were you in a meeting? Did people see you writing? All these dimensions are only available to you if you use paper.

Do not be deterred by your handwriting or your spelling or your grammar. Just be careful. I would never dream of turning in a first draft, and neither should you. Check things over first. Make sure everything is spelled okay. Slow down and make things as neat and legible as you can. Don’t let this paralyze you.

Here’s a quick aside for the readers. The note writer is trying to do something nice for you. There is a possibility that the handwriting will be a challenge to read. TRY TO READ IT ANYWAY. I have visions of people taking this note back to the writer and asking in the least discreet manner available, “What does this SAY?! I can’t READ it! You know, your handwriting is just AWFUL! And I don’t think you spelled this right!” And you know what? That’s not sexy. Sound it out. Use context. Your writer went out on a limb to write you this little love note. Don’t jiggle the limb.

2.       Use your imagination. I think it’s best to use your own words. It doesn’t have to be flowery or anything. It just has to be you. Three or four sincere words about something you love or something you notice or something you appreciate or maybe something you’d like to do – that’s all it takes. It’s not forbidden to use someone else’s words as long as they have meaning for both of you. If you know your reader’s favorite lines of poetry or lyrics or a favorite quote, copy them down in your handwriting. You’re not passing the words off as yours; your reader knows they’re someone else’s. The point is that you know your reader loves those words, so you’re making a gift of them.

It’s important not to fake this. If you retreat to the Internet and copy down something that’s “supposed to work,” your reader will know because it isn’t going to sound like you. It isn’t going to have relevance to your relationship. It’s going to sound like something someone else told you to say, which is what it is. And you know what? That’s not sexy. Don’t let this paralyze you either. I just scolded your reader about not being receptive to your best efforts.

3.       Make it happen, Cap’n! Now that your note’s all done, you are ready to get it to your reader. Great! Take some time to scope out a place you can put the note where your reader will discover it. Be careful with this. The inside pocket of his suit jacket only sounds like a good idea. Not long ago, I borrowed one of my dad’s suit jackets (it’s a lovely shade of disco-era salmon), and when I reached into that inside pocket, I found a ticket to the Last Dance of the Seventies from New Year’s Eve, 1979. On the other end of the spectrum, I tucked a slip of paper with some dialogue notes into my purse just yesterday, and now it seems to have disappeared. So the purse is not such a good idea either. You cannot run the risk that the note will get stale. And why delay gratification if you don’t have to?

So where is a good place? Somewhere your reader goes frequently but alone. Under the cell phone or the keys. Under your reader’s watch. The pillow. If you are using these places correctly, your reader will happen upon the note and have some alone time to read it, even if it’s just a few minutes while you’re brushing your teeth. Choosing the right place is magic; it says you notice the little things your reader does. Do not shift the burden to your reader by putting the note just anywhere in the belief your reader should find it. Do not put it somewhere that people will see your reader pick it up and ask, “What’s THAT?” Do not put it somewhere children can get it. (Not that your children would read it. Certainly you raised them not to open and read other people’s private mail.) This note-passing is an intimate business. Pick an intimate delivery location.

All right, class. Your homework is to get cracking on that sensual note! You can leave your questions and your PG-13 success stories just below in the comments.


On the first Wednesday of the month, Alexa Day's Below the Fold strives to make sexy part of the new normal. But why stop at once a month? There's more hot fun to be had on her blog, http://www.alexaday.net/, every single Thursday. She's even got five easy ways to make your home a haven for sensual notes. Go look!