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What is it about a heat wave that brings out the crazies? There used to be a time when one had to be careful of the full moon, but now with mother nature regurgitating on us or suffocating us in the swells of her heat, I can’t help but wonder if there is a conspiracy - some sort of survival of the fittest. Maybe this is the beginning of preparing us for the zombie apocalypse. During the past few weeks, there has been enough mentioning of bath salts and what they do to the human condition, i.e. cause zombie like behavior, for us to take note. Although the CDC has denied the existence of zombies, a little preparedness can go a long way.
I’m sure if I were interested in creating a little zombie fan fiction, this would all be great research, but at last my genre doesn’t call for flesh eating humans. Therefore, here are my tips for surviving a zombie attack, or at least an attack of someone who thinks they suffer from zombie-itis.
Fiction has spoken about zombie attacks forever. And since we are in 2012, when the Mayan calendar ended (and popular media interpreted this as the end of the world) – now is the time to plan for the Apocalypse..
- Survival of the Quickest - the biggest part of surviving a zombie attack is being able to outrun the other people around you, and for that you need stamina, endurance and a great pair of running shoes. Maybe a new pair of Nikes is just what you need to truly fly away from the mob of flesh eaters chasing you.
- Get a gun - Before the zombie apocalypse, I’m sure you believed that guns were bad and an evil that only the NRA, southern militias, republicans and the founding fathers thought were necessary, but with those wanting only to eat your brains out to get you, you might want to start target practice. Head down to your local gun shop and find out what the best zombie killing ammo is; load up on target shooting at your range. Also, whenever you have a chance, practice on Call of Duty - because nothing prepares you better for zombies than Call of Duty.
- Throw Bacon - Throw dinner, don't become it. Make sure you have enough bacon in your possession. When being attacked, throw some at the mob of brain eaters. Most of them will be men anyway, and they can’t resist the smell and taste of bacon.
- Find A Bunker - When all else fails, and your zombie proof island isn’t as zombie proof – maybe they figured out how to float - then the best thing I can suggest is to find a bunker filled with the indestructible Twinkie. If roaches can survive a nuclear war, I’m sure that you too can survive on a Twinkie or two.
All I know about zombies, I learned from studying them – nah, really from playing zombie games and watching movies, but I hope it helps. If it doesn’t, I’ll be in Canada, because Zombie attacks only happen in the US.
Happy Friday the 13th!